so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
