why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
