She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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