Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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