This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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