I cockslap morals
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
