I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
