I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
