I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
