I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
