Your tits are I can't wait for
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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