I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
