the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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