White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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