Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
