You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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