Who did Billy Mays play for?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
