how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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