dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize