Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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