Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
