No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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