I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize