I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
