My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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