wanna go halves on a baby?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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