dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
