Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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