Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
