When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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