I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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