I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize