hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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