You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
