I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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