my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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