Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize