They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
