I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
