the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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