I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
