I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
