OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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