Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
