I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
