He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
