when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She needs sedatives and a leash
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
