I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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