My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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