I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just forgot I was standing up.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
