Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
