did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
