3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
