Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
