My balls are so social today.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
