The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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