Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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